Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Being a naked man

Seeing all these pictures of myself 1/2 naked with other STRAIGHT men (here and here) has made me wonder:
"What is acceptable [straight] male nude behavior"?
Personally, I have this thing where I take off my shirt as much as possible. It's not like I'm showing off my body because I really have the upper body of a 13 year old that is about to hit puberty (no armpit hair and all)

But I find when I am at home (and probably too frequently in public) I just can't wait to be topless. Go figure. Nalin, my roommate of 6+ years is probably just glad I'm not walking around completely naked.

My first analysis of nude male behavior is focused around nakedness in the gym locker room.

Ah the gym. Where other men show off their wieners with open abandon. There are 3 types of nude behavior in men's locker rooms. I call them: pinky-dicks, average-joes and the show-offs.

Pinky-dicks
This classification of men are the guys in the changing room who will never ever expose their penis. It's not that they necessarily have pinky sized dicks...but I'm assuming that is the reason 80% of them act this way (hence the categorization). I'm guessing the remaining 20% are just a bit gun-shy and don't want other guys to see their packages.

Pinky-dick behavior is classified as:
  • Walking to and from the shower with a towel wrapped around them
  • Wrapping the towel around their waist when they change their pants and underwear
  • Stepping into shower stalls with their towels on, closing the curtain and then removing the towel
  • When finished showering, you see a hand come from the side of the curtain, reach around blindly for their towel and then dry themselves off in the stall while the curtain is closed. They exit the stall of course wearing their towel wrapped tightly around their waist.
I'm not being critical of guys who act this way. It's more an observation.

Average-joes
I think I fall into this category at the gym. We are the guys of likely average penis size and girth who are comfortable with our nudity but don't necessarily need to show it off. I think our typical behavior is
  • We walk from the lockers to the showers with the towel wrapped around our waists
  • We take off our towels before entering shower stalls but we enter the stall quite quickly after disrobing
  • We don't wrap the towel around our waists when we change underwear, but we do try and show our balls and packages for as little time as possible
I consider this fairly normally behavior and would estimate about 60-70% of male gym patrons act this way. Of course I think this is normal because it's how I act.

Show-offs
Now this bunch is a whole other story. These are the guys that want to be naked as much as f@cking possible it's actually offensive. Some of the "show-offs" are guys with Dirk Diggler donkey dicks and clearly are saying: "Hey..check out how huge my cock is". Honestly, if I had a 12 inch hammer I might act this way too.

But, I've also seen "show-offs" that had pinky-dicks. Which is odd..because if I had a penis so small you couldn't see it through my pubes, I certainly wouldn't be showing that fact off.

Plain and simple, these guys walk around naked constantly. CONSTANTLY. I have seen some of this behavior from "Show-offs":
  • Walk to the shower naked with the towel wrapped around his shoulders
  • Oggles themselves in the communal bathroom mirrors fully naked
  • Get dressed by putting on their socks, then shirts, then finally their underwear
  • Do the "rub-the-towel-vigorously-between-their-legs" technique. You know the one I'm talking about...one hand in front, one hand in back and then a sawing motion back and forth.
Wait. It gets worse. I have even seen some of this EXTREME naked behavior that I think is clearly socially unacceptable:
  • There was this guy at my old gym that would sit on the bench and then lube and moisturize his cock and balls in front of everyone...VIGOROUSLY
  • Another guy at my old gym was a total donkey dick show off. He would stand naked in front of the mirror while he was shaving, but his cock was so large he actually put it on the counter and it would dip into the sink a bit while he shaved. NASTY! (and incredibly unhygienic)
  • Another guy would do STRETCHES naked in the change room. I'm talking bending over and touching his toes style stretches. Dude, don't ever point your open asshole at another guy in public.
  • In highschool, we had this one guy who would stand naked 1 inch behind you while you were sitting and changing...he would then say something to make you turn your head around and you would literally turn your head into his balls. This guy HAD to be gay (not that there is anything wrong with that)
And no, I don't stare at guys packages while I am in the change room all day. But I go to the gym a lot and unless you walk staring at the ceiling you can't help but to see dicks.

So clearly, the "Show-offs" above I think exhibit non-acceptable social naked behavior. But what am I going to say to them? "Dude, would you please cover up your johnson?" Now that would just be awkward...

6 Comments:

At 7:59 AM, December 15, 2005, Blogger whatupwilly said...

And on an oddly package-related note, I just thought this was hilarious:

http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2005/12/14/brandon_routh_is_packing.html

I guarantee this Routh is a show-off in the changing room.

 
At 10:00 AM, December 15, 2005, Blogger EMOB said...

so Will, what's "average" to you? hee hee hee

 
At 1:43 PM, December 15, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"my dick is so big that when I sit down to take a shit, my dick hits the toilet water..." - words from one of Will's first girlfriends' dad...

Schaubnuts

 
At 11:53 PM, December 15, 2005, Blogger whatupwilly said...

Em, I totally set myself up for the "what is average" discussion didn't I? I'll leave that up to my readers to figure it out...

 
At 2:21 PM, February 15, 2006, Blogger 2 said...

willy,

Please, stop it, you're killing me - I'm at work. You got me dying laughing, this shit is too funny. Man, I'm crying laughing...

 
At 3:40 AM, February 17, 2006, Anonymous Scarlette said...

this is liek totally odd

 

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